Is My GFM Story too Long?

  • 24 October 2022
  • 2 replies
  • 20 views

Userlevel 2
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My best friend (who encouraged me to start this campaign) read my GFM introduction story and says it’s too long.  I disagree.  I know I can be wordy, but I cut allot out of this appeal before publishing it.  I want to make sure that people who don’t know about the device I’m talking about gets information on the device and on why I need it.  So if anyone is willing, would you please go and read my appeal and tell me if you think it’s too long.  If it is then what should I cut out?  Thank you.

https://www.gofundme.com/help-karla-to-see-so-she-can-be-free

 


2 replies

Userlevel 7
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Hi @BKarla53, you’ve done a really fantastic job at writing your story.

One suggestion:

  • A neat trick to use when the text gets a bit lengthy is to incorporate bullet points and bold text. For example, I take this paragraph below and list out things in bullets instead:

I’m also trying to run a micro-business to improve my financial situation, but it has been difficult as you can imagine having to always depend on others to help me do the basic things I need to do every day. If I am able to get help to purchase the Envision America glasses and two years of the Aira service, a whole new world would be opened to me. Not only would I be able to gain some of my independence back in reading my own mail, having more confidence in choosing my clothes, cooking and cleaning with much more accuracy, but I would also be able to build my business so that I could boost my income …this would mean no more struggling to make ends meet. I would be able to use the glasses to help with taking orders, doing inventory and keeping up with the parts of my business that require visual acuity. I want to give you more information so you can see just how innovative and life-changing these services could be for me. I’ve listed links below to web pages for Aira and Envision America so you can find out more if you wish.

 

Instead, you could say: If I’m able to purchase the Envision America glasses and two years of the Aira service, I’d be able to: 

  • example 1
  • example 2 

And anything you want to emphasize in your story, use bold text to make it an important point.

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Hi @Olivia.  thank you so much for this advice.  I learned about the bulleting idea after posting my initial appeal and I used it in the update I did, but just didn’t consider it for the original post.  I’ll also try the bolding idea too.  I’m wondering if italics would work just as well.  Anyway, thanks again.  Blessings.

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